you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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