You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
