the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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