FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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