it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
