My nipple is on Facebook.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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