Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
farters have to be the big spoon...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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