Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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