I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
