And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
