Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just had sex bonerless
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
