I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
