You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
