Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
