you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
