I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
