we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
