I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
