I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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