What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
