yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
