I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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