Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
