taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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