I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize