ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
