Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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