i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
