He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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