John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
