Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
