ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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