what day is it and did you see me today?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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