he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
