I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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