I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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