my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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