So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have already put on my inside pants.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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