If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
