before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
