you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
