I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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