i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
