honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
time to smoke my breakfast
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
