I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
