Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
