I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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