I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize