I got chris browned last night
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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