put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
