I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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