cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
