I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
