my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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